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Date:2009-07-20 01:30

ive never encountered so many people that hate me so much. i know i am annoying but ive never encountered so many people excited about badmouthing me. it wouldnt be so bad if i wasnt in such a strange place with no friends, but damn. they make me want to reach out to my vcu people. awkward.

im alone and im not loved and i can't handle it. i think i might move back to va. i mean, am i truly that awful? honestly, id love to hear from my friends about what i need to change. i know i need to grow up but come on im 23, i shold be ablw to be a little stupid, right?

(3 minds | speak yo mind)

Date:2008-10-02 22:18
Mood: listless

Love me cancerously
like a salt-sore soaked in the sea.
"High-maintenance" means
you’re a gluttonous queen, narcissistic and mean.
Kill me romantically
Fill my soul with vomit
then ask me for a piece of gum.
Bitter and dumb, you’re my sugarplum
You’re awful, I love you...

She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
and when her edges soften
her body is my coffin.
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed...
must be the sign on my head
it says, "Oh, love me dead!"
Love me dead!

You’re a faith-healer on T.V.
You’re an office park without any trees
corporate and cold
gushing for gold - leave me alone.
You suck so passionately
You’re a parasitic, psycho, filthy creature
finger-bangin’ my heart.
You call me up drunk, does the fun ever start?
You’re hideous... and sexy!

She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
and when her edges soften
her body is my coffin.
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed...
must be the sign on my head
it says, "Oh, love me dead!"
Love me dead!

Wow! Uh!

Love me cancerously
How’s your new boy?
Does he know about me?
You’ve got the mark of the beast.
You’re born of a jackal! You’re beautiful!

She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
and when her edges soften
her body is my coffin.
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed...
Wha’ ’bout this sign on my head
it says, "Oh, love me dead!"
Love me dead!
Love me dead!
Love me dead!
Oh... love me dead!

change the genders, and that'y my life. it doesn't help that people i'm not interested in keep asking me out.

(speak yo mind)

Date:2008-05-27 18:27
Subject:A Bit of Residual Masculist Business
Mood: nostalgic

the senior ladies show, Dear John: A Masculist Play is well over. however, i would be remiss if is didn't share some of my writings that as of late have been haunting me:


If my soul was music, it would be lyrical. A 30 piece symphony with lots and lots of strings. A complex tune that would build and soar and then pull back at the right moment before a crescendo to a harmonious end. My soul is sweeping music, all-consuming, almost unbearable in its passion.
If your soul was music, it would be a simple electric quitar. Not say your soul isn't as...majestic as mine, but the beauty of your soul is in the simplicity. I watch you try to mystify and complicate it by adding all these horns and bells and whistles. You don't need any of that. You don't need any of that. You don't need to be the self-centered frontman of your own band. The music that is you... is enough.


and the one that wasn't/didn't need to be in show:

Thank you for carrying my basket in the grocery store.
Thank you for giving me the keys when you know you shouldn't drive your dad's car.
Thank you for making me call you when I get home.
Thank you for telling me I'll never get rid of you.
Thank you. 
Thank you for remembering every conversation we've ever had even when I don't.
Thank you for saying "I love you" as an after thought on my answering machine.
I love you too.

and it's funny cuz i haven't spoken to the guy referenced above in a week. that's like a year for us.

(speak yo mind)

Date:2008-02-04 16:08
Mood: relaxed

"For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf"  is an awesome show. it's changing my life.

but why is it that every time i reached a plateau of contentment, something (or someone) comes along and messes me up? im ready to do the show and move out of richmond.

(speak yo mind)

Date:2007-11-28 18:58

<script src="http://personaldna.com/t/?k=KWtceFGmOreRtSh-DO-ADCDA-f5a9&t=Benevolent+Artist">

benevolent artist...go figure.

(speak yo mind)

Date:2007-11-28 18:27
Subject:Breaking News

To Whom This May Concern:

My computer died in May, and I'm finally, FINALLY getting a new one. That means I will be back to writing (I've missed it so much!) I know, you must be thrilled (well i know 2 people are). Anyways, look for me back on the LJ in December - i'm excited!


(1 mind | speak yo mind)

Date:2007-07-07 11:13

I'M 21 TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!

i am making no excuses

(1 mind | speak yo mind)

Date:2007-02-04 21:14
Subject:so rissie gave me F

i dont want to talk about the heart-destroying situation taking place in my living room....here's my top 10 "F" songs:

1. "Forgive Me Love" by Alanis Morisette - pretty much my life 
2. "Falling is Like This" by Ani DiFranco - what can i say, i went to an all-girls school
3. "Falling Out of Love" by Aqualung - i wish i was doing that
4. "Fuel": by Ani diFranco - an awesome song
5. "Falling for the First Time" by Barenaked Ladies - good songs
6. "Fair" by Ben Folds - great song
7. "Falling in Love With Love" sung by Bernadette Peters -INCREDIBLE. and true
8. "For the Longest Time" by Billy joel... makes me think of alana, still awesome
9. "Feels Like Home" by Chantal Kreviazuk - i want this to be true of my life
10. "Follow Through" by Gavin DeGraw - this is all i want in live. LOVE IT.

(2 minds | speak yo mind)

Date:2006-05-30 18:06
Subject:i don't do poor
Mood: pissed off

ok, so i need a new job. i've had this one job at a restaurant for a few weeks and my bosses have questioned my integrity a few times and don't trust me. they don't speak to me and they have shafted me on the schedule one too many times. i think it's time for a new job.

anyone know of anything in the RIC?

(speak yo mind)

Date:2006-05-05 22:28


aint no party like a mudslide party cuz a mudslide party don't STOP.

im soooooo about this holiday ;-D

(speak yo mind)

Date:2006-04-13 22:15
Subject:smallest house imaginable
Mood: contemplative

Love, i hear
makes you sigh alot
also love, i hear
leaves you weak
love, i hear
makes you blush and turns you ashen
you try to speak with passion
and squeak...
i hear...

soooooo yea. tonight's audience was tiny tiny tiny. but its nights like tonight that you learn how much you appreciate your cast members for making it worth your while.

love i hear...oh bother. what to do?

(1 mind | speak yo mind)

Date:2006-04-07 23:02

Forum is open and i now can reclaim my life....except i dont really have one anymore, but whatever.

new favorite things:

Katie Bradley. AMAZING. 7-7 for life!
Grad students in general. some more than others...but yea, these grads are great.
Forum. it's a ridiculous show.
Jaike Foley-Schultz. hilarious in Forum.

and noooooow - its time to get back on that healthy kick i had this summer and get my ass in gear. but first, sleep.

(speak yo mind)

Date:2005-06-22 00:54
Subject:bursting at the seams
Mood: weary

i had such an urge/need/burning desire to get some stuff out of my head today while i was at work that i wrote on a napkin. (so pathetic, i could cry from laughing at myself...) but it felt good to actually write it out.

now i want to write in my real journal, but its locked in a trunk in my closet and im too lazy to get it out. well not really lazy, but its just that it will take so much work to dig out the trunk from under my crap and then i'll have to remember the combination to the lock and then dig through all my stuff in the trunk...ok, thats just plain old lazy.

but one of these days i will, because angrily scribbling on that napkin today made me feel such...release.

but just because i want to write in my real paper and pen journal does not mean any of you ( and you know who you are) are excused from writing in your LJs. so dont try even try it.

im going to bed hungry. bleh. not cool.

(1 mind | speak yo mind)

Date:2005-06-19 22:36
Subject:cryptic again... so sue me
Mood: fucking awful

people dont choose their pain.

if they did, they'd pick something they could deal with.

i cant deal.

(1 mind | speak yo mind)

Date:2005-06-09 17:51
Subject:playin tag from my bed
Mood: feeling lost and crappy

i woke up this morning feeling worse than i ever have in my entire life. i literally felt as if an alien was going to explode from my stomach. i thought i would pass out from pain. i thought i was dying. and there was aboslutely no compassion in my house. none. no one cared. i only got flack because i was holding them up. eggcellent. thanks mom. love it.
im in a fog. hypothetically i know i'll come out of it, but its terribly hard to convince myself of it. ive spent the day in my pajamas feeling like butt. generally a day in bed would be welcome, but my bed is lonely with just me in it...and i wouldn't want someone to see me look this pathetic. i just keep telling myself it will be ok.
oh, and i just got $100 ticket in the mail. i hate DC. thats what i get for going to see the showcase.

and now for something completely different...
post five favorite songs of the moment and tag five people to list their five favorite songs in their livejournals....

1. damien rice - delicate
2.stephen lynch - she gotta smile
3. colin james hay - i dont think i'll ever get over you
4. weezer - beverly hills
5. phish - Cheers theme song

and now tag youre it:


(1 mind | speak yo mind)

Date:2005-06-07 16:08
Mood: tralala

i think my toe is getting better. or maybe its just in my head. either way, im going home in 20 minutes...excitement abounds.

p.s. my birthday is a month from today. i dont know why im excited... there really isnt anything exciting that happens when youre 19... but hey, one more year down - im happy :)

im always happy these days :)

(speak yo mind)

Date:2005-06-06 00:01
Subject:it hurts a lot more than i planned on...
Mood: sad

ummmmm suddenly not in the best of moods.. shame too, cuz ive been constantly cheery without the glimmer or a frown or bad mood for darn close to two weeks now...
stole this brom becca - hopefully it will help.


Reminds you of an ex-lover: Love Soon by john mayer

Reminds you of your best friend: Les Poissons from the little mermaid :)

Makes you cry: Brick by Ben Folds, For Good from Wicked

Makes you laugh: the soundtrack to avenue Q... hilarious

Reminds you of the one you once wanted: "And I Wonder" but i cant remember who sings it

You wish you wrote: Tracing - John Mayer b/c its currently the story of my life

You wish you recorded: i know the truth from Aida, because its about my life right now.. with some changes.

You never want to hear again: howie day's "collide" (good call becca, its driving me crazy)

You want to get married to: oh i dont know.. but im gonna shake my but to Al Green's "Lets Stay Together"

You used to hate but now love: rap in general.

You like to wake up to: country music, because it generally jars me out of whatever peaceful mode im in.

You like out of your parent’s record collection: all motown, old school whitney houston

You love that you wouldn’t know about if it wasn’t for a friend: motion city soundtrack... great band

Makes you think of someone who died: wesley why, because my grandfathers name was wesley

You sing in the shower: anything that is completely out of my range because i believe it sounds good bouncing off the tile.

You sing when you’re alone: again, anything out of my range.

You love the video more than the tune: that melissa ethridge song with juliette lewis in the video...awesome

Reminds you of your first crush: hahaha bad church chorus songs... looong story

You love which is from a movie: Wait in Vain by Annie Lennox from Serendipity

Makes you think of the moon: Wade thru the night - Matt Wertz (love him)

Makes you think of stars: sweetness in starlight - matt wertz

Makes you think of the sun: umm i dont know!.

Makes you think of the night: wade thru the night, that junior senior song from my favorite night in college

Makes you want to kiss someone: anything romantic.. i cant name songs... ok, probably 'kissing you' by desree

Makes you think of sex: or 'colorblind' by the counting crows, sountrack to moulin rouge

Makes you think of being alone: without you from rent, songs about rain by gary allen

(speak yo mind)

Date:2005-05-24 13:09
Mood: bored

im at work. dear.god. im bored. im sitting in a cubicle with a phone and a computer. clearly, i have the internet but there is absolutely nothing to do. gah. this is painful. hey, i have an idea - everyone should call me 'direct line' and entertain me. (703)236-3034.

i feel skinny today. not for any real reason...well maybe because i havent had lunch yet. but i do. i looked in the mirror and did not look skinny. but i feel it.

today is a rainy day and i want to be sitting on my couch with a blanket and some good food and one of my new books. i could spend hours that way.

today's my first day. would it be wrong for me to ask if i can go home now?

(1 mind | speak yo mind)

Date:2005-05-23 17:56
Subject:blah la la lovely
Mood: blah

its been so dull up here. i went to my high school's senior talent show the night before graduation to see all my little theatre kids do their thang. it was wonderful - i think i cried more at their affirmation than i did at my own. i also went into Senior Clubhouse and saw a picture of me taped to the wall. Yes, they have a photo of me on the wall. i'm smoking a cig, swigging from a bottle of Jack Daniels and giving the finger. even after i'm gone, i'm still the poster child for Madeira. crazy. oh, i also took care of my brother for the weekend. what a trying experience. that little brat is a pain in my ass, but God help him, cuz i still love him. being away from my mother was bliss, but living in my dad's sad excuse for a townhouse was down-right cruel and unusual. its strange, but im kinda glad to be back in the crazy lady's house. i believe the only thing she and i see eye to eye on is our standard of living.

i start one of my jobs - the boring one - tomorrow and i officially start at Vicki's next week. im hoping that my busy schedule will help me forget about the monotony of my summer life. ive been working hardcore every summer since i was 13...where's my summer vaca? i want to plan fun, exotic trips, but alas, all of that costs money. money i dont have. which is why i have 2 jobs. so if i travel its like im not working and then i'll be broke in the fall....its a vicious cycle.

today i went to target and bought this body wash that i used to use back in September and i used it today and i swear to you, i said to myself, "smells like first semester"...isnt it strange how strongly smell is tied to memory? i think its odd how you can go places and smell smells and totally have flashbacks to your childhood. i walked into this store and some guy was wearing this random cologne...i dont even know what it's called, but he smelled like my grandfather and i started to tear up. very strange.

                   ****you know you're day is sad when David Leong makes you smile. Ok, it was because I got my War check in the mail, but still....****

good news: i will be back in Richmond no later than August 6th. im excited, but still determined to kick this habit i have of living in the past. sure, last semester was possibly the craziest, most stressful, relationship-trying periods of my life. but i wouldnt trade it. if anything, it will make me a better person in the long run. especially the good parts near the end. i just wish i had jumped on that sooner. figuratively. well maybe not figuratively...overalls. awkward. oh here's one of my new things: i clean. im becoming rather obsessive. now, im not cleaning the entire house, no no, im just going through all the stuff i've packed away in my closet since the 6th grade. its a walk down memory lane and a chance for me to really and truly get rid of my past. two birds, eh? i just never realixed i had so.much.crap. what is the deal? i was a bit of a pack rat.. i should do this cleaning on a more regular basis. oh, im going to california on thursday. its a family cookout - my question is, why do we have to fly 3,000 miles to eat? my mom is making me go, even though i don't ever really talk to her side of the family much because they insulted me when i was young because i spoke correctly. its a shame that i have to go - i'd much rather sell bras and hang out with my friends all weekend. oh well.

my BIG bitch of the day: the price of gasoline. DEAR.GOD. i put 11 gallons of gas in my car and it cost me $25.41. That is absofreakinlutely too damn much. im gonna go broke just trying to go places. ok, all done.

i bought two books today at Barnes and Noble, and next to my War check, they are the most exciting thing in the world today. the idea of taking a hot shower and laying in bed eating something containing chocolate while reading sounds like a beautiful evening. I am such a nerd. the sad part is, these books are each about 200-300 pages...and they might last me till california. i dont know if that's a testament to my amount of free time, my amazingly fast reading abilities, or just more proof that im a nerd. probably the last one....

well im off to take care of my brother...i swear, it's like im his 3rd parent or something. he is making not want to have children.ever.

~ J

(4 minds | speak yo mind)

Date:2005-05-15 18:56
Mood: blah

all my friends are so heavy. everyone has deep issues. this is both comforting and frightening, because for awhile i thought i was the only one. but if others are struggling, the last thing i want to do is dump my problems and concerns all over them. i tried talking to alana about my craziness and she wasnt there for me. that's never happened before. i wasnt mad at her, just terribly shocked. so i got in the bed and didn't sleep for 3 more hours.

i think there's something wrong with my sleeping patterns. or lack thereof.

three months is a long time to be away from someone. especially if that someone is more like10-15 odd people who have become some sort of twisted, faulty pillar of strength you lean on. some of them...well they are a part of that pillar by default. some spent the last five months with the evil side of me while doing a show (i swear CDUB, im not that person. i am kind and caring, not a bitch), and the last three or four people i truly truly miss. some of the people in those groups overlap. but i miss their faces, their voices, their comments on daily life, and i miss being able to show them how much they mean to me. i think it sucks that i care so much. i mean yes, i know, sensitivity is good. no one likes a callous bitch. but if this is what its gonna be like forever...well i just wont.

it also sucks when you leave things open-ended with people. i hate that. i did that. i wanna fix that. ug.

ive begun looking for an alternate summer residence. any takers? im quiet. all i need is a place to shower, minimal food and a place to hook up my laptop. call me.

(3 minds | speak yo mind)

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